Each Day To Its Own

Haven't  updated for a while - here is the latest.

Mom is okay ... well as okay as she can be with a grade IV stage IV tumor in her head ... her radio ended 5-6 months ago and now she's off chemo too. Her condition seems to deteriorate though there is no definite way of know except for watching out for occasional lack of coordination, loopiness, incoherence and memory less - well you may think that's a lot to go by, but if you are with that person day in and day out you realize it's not all that simple - or objective. She's trudging along and Daddy is making sure he supports her all the way, the best he can. However, sometimes the best is not enough....


My son is still no speaking and though he has graduated from babbling incoherence to babbling mammamama and babababa.. well he's still only babbling... so waiting on there too..

Life is strange nowadays, somedays I feel I have so  much to do and on some other I feel useless.... a strange vertigo overpowers me...which is not good for anyone. Working my Internet business, try to buy a new piece of land, actually starting to watch television after a long time and not finding the time to read - the one thing that used to soothe and entertain me....that's life in a nutshell.

Hope tomorrow will be better.

The Struggle continues...

I feel angry at her when she says all the things wrongly and eats in the most messy manner. She seems to have developed a habit of eating things which are meant to be eaten with spoon, with her two fingers of the right hand. She says something and means something else and is overzealous at some times and lethargic at others.

Mom speaks of getting well each and every single day. She still has the hope which is a good thing, only if we shared her hope .... Wishing against all reason, we carry on with our daily lives ... there is a constant background of dullness and doom. My father who is probably the only person who can manage her is losing his weight and health. Daddy is a man of strong constitution - thanks to his excellent eating habits and regular exercising, he is probably the healthiest person in our house. He is also a very very strong man, but mom's illness has shattered him from the insides. He carries on with the daily routines, giving her medicines, talking to the doctors, taking care of her, helping around the house, going to his former office, attending marriages of close friends' and relatives' children and probably leaves himself little time to sit around and mope.

Mom is now a shadow of herself, and though she may not understand this, but her mental abilities are fast decreasing. Some days I don't know what to do except for feeling extremely annoyed at her for getting sick. If only....

Near the end or just a scare?

Mom is on anti-seizure meds. In spite of that she suffered a severe and prolonged brain seizure on 29th December. It was one of the most unpleasant sights that I have ever seen in my life. She was shaking uncontrollably and foaming at the mouth. I felt fairly confident at that time but have been under a shadow of constant fear since then.

She was rushed to the hospital - carrying her into the car was a big feat in itself since she is still 70-80kgs though she has lost some weight since she fell ill. She regained consciousness by the time they reached the hospital... and the doctors discharged her after raising the doses of the meds in the prescription.

She has been hazy since then, a certain lethargy and uncertainty on her face - seems like the monstor called cancer is taking over the indomitable spirit of mom. I wish on this day of New Year that she manages to beat this monster - even if I am wishing for something near-impossible, still miracles do happen and each child's birth is a testimony to that.

Yes mom you can do it. Beat the shit out of this monster. Then we will laugh together several years later - maybe when I have white in my hair and you have your toothless grin. In hope of that day - a very happy new year to mummy.

Pain continues ...

Mom is in immense pain. I am not sure whether I would want to read this... but this blog voice some of the most painful moments I have seen in life. I say seen, because I can't even begin to feel her pain. Mom is in constant pain for the last 3 days, the headaches continue unabated. Without meals and on lesser meds (we gave up on some because it was impossible for her to keep them down in her state of nausea) she is getting weaker day by day. Days and nights melt into an unending stream of pain and fitful episodes of sleep. Living on tea and toast - something she is barely able to take in and keep down, life is at an all time low. Apparently there are no meds that can reduce the pain... what are all the multibillion dollar researches accomplishing, I wonder.

It's painful and looks like it is all just going downhill. No medication, no help, nothing for her - so what do we expect the patient to do? Just bear the pain and carry on like this? Seems like the answer is yes!

I pray to my Lord that he relieves her of the pain and just makes it easy for her and for us, especially Daddy.. He's the one who is hardest hit and the one who is bearing most of the burden. He is a darling and we had long harped on their love for each other and how they were always looking out for each other. It is sad to see the things they gave their life to wither away. Brain tumor must probably be one of teh most cruel diseases. I won't wish it upon my enemy. Lord save us all. Amen.

Boring is good. Pain is not.

About a month ago I posted my first blog on DISGRUNTLD. Life hasn't changed much since then, at least not for the better. My mom's is still in pain :( and my baby is still babbling away incessantly while we watch him closely for occurrence of his first words LOL.

Mom's radiotherapy ended a week ago. The pains did not. Add to that nausea, indigestion, cold allergies and her constant harping on the fact that the whole treatment has done her no good. Life seems dismal sometimes, until I indulge in some guilty movie/TV watching... if there's something captivating on there then for couple of minutes life seems just okay. Just the way it has been throughout my life - not too great but nothing much to complain about. I wish that average, uneventful and boring existence would come back. Days when I would wake up to my mom planning the day's meals or cooking away in the kitchen and I would wish I had some more excitement in my life than to choose between helping her in the kitchen or not helping her. Homeliness has never been my way of choice - but here I am trying to do the best I can while I do enough to scrape by from day to day.

Mom has been talking of her NOT getting well .. which means the obvious. Today she talked of giving to my son the jewelery which I had gifted to her three years ago. I wish I could buy back some life or at least some health by selling off that jewelry. What good did it do to her? And what good would it do to me, I wonder ...

I wish life was simple. You could just spend some money and buy happiness. Then we could all focus on just making money .. enough to buy health and happiness for our families and ourselves.

Let's see what the passing days would bring to me. Will keep the blog posted - and with more frequency than I have shown so far.

:)

Learning to Deal with Sickness.

Sickness - A word that's usually meant to refer to somebody who's ill can also be applied to the rotten feeling you get at the center of your being when you come to know things that weren't on your "happy life" agenda.

A person who has lived her whole life independently can find it so humiliating and belittling to be dependent on others for things. Not even being able to convey your thoughts properly - not finding words for things you know you know. Being sick day in and day out and eating dozens of pills everyday. These are just some of the things a person with brain tumor may have to deal with. Add to that hair loss, constipation, depression and ecstatic episodes and you have your plate full.

It's not easy for the patient. Its not at all easy for the family too. Dealing with a life that's not the same as it has been for so many years is not the most smooth transition.

Brain tumor brings in several of its symptoms - things you have medicines for .. things that are best left untreated.

It's not nice. And it is really painful. Btw, it's my marriage anniversary today... and I don't feel too happy about it.. probably bcoz my hubby won't be around today. I guess I will try to spice up the romance with some lovey dovey messages. Let me take advantage of his being away. :) More on this later....

Dealing With Death - And Life

29th of August - the day when my whole world came crashing down. Life as I knew it, would never ever return. The realization was shocking, the implications more so.

My mom had been having memory and verbal problems for about a month or so. Right at the onset we laughed it off as mere absent-mindedness. As the unusual behavior continued raising our level of concern, the next thing to be blamed were the arthritis meds that her new doc had prescribed. He was consulted and he put it down to old age (for the record, my mom is just 58) and stress. Two more weeks were spent changing medications, dealing with their side effects, waiting for them to take effect before changing them to deal with newer symptoms that seemed to be developing and increasing in intensity each day. Well, finally we consulted a neuro-physician. He examined her and suspected partial paralysis. Of course, he prescribed all tests. The test results came out on 29th.

The verdict was damning. It was a brain tumor. My father tried to put it in other terms and avoided the word "tumor" but thanks to my penchant of reading stuff that was none of my concern, I was sure he meant exactly that - TUMOR.

I googled the most damning words in the MRI report - "high grade glioma". The results were nothing short of ... well, shocking. High grade glioma turned out to be the type that had the worst prognosis. No actual treatment - only surgeries and medication to .. ahem .. delay the process, maybe by a few months. Best was one year. Worst, 3 months.

I looked up miracle cures and diets and having found many on the internet even considered buying them. After a shitload of research, I realized that brain tumor has NO cure. The type - high grade glioma had the least life expectancy.

I had never imagined my child growing up without his grandmother. In fact, I had often joked to my husband that once the child enters school, the first few years' home-tutoring would be taken care of by my mom.

I cried days and I cried nights. I have never actually felt so hopeless. My mom was decaying in front of my very eyes and I couldn't do much. So much pain because the most precious relation of my life would become history. I cried for days on end. I cried when my husband told me to be brave about it. I cried in the lap of my elder sister. I cried in the kitchen, in the bath, in sleep and when I woke up. The world, for me, had slowed down to a painfully slow speed, if not stopped.

Pain is a curious thing and so is life. You get used to both of them at a certain point. And you learn to hate the pain in your life and love the life amidst your pain. Life had a new meaning for me. My son, now seemed so much more precious and lovely. My mom's eccentricities and stubbornness so much more adorable and my dad's irreverence so much more lovable. I love you Lord. I love you life. I love you mom.